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I have loved, and I have been loved

And all the rest is just background music.

-Estelle Ramey


The heart rule we explored in the last chapter underscores a universal law – the past does NOT equal the future.  You have the power within you to create a life that is different from the one you have been living. This means, you need to shift your attention away from the past and put it into the power of now. Away from the background music and into the love!

If you are one who has cried, cursed, and lamented your past ad infinitum, given free reign to blame, regret, remorse, guilt, bitterness – then it is time to stay STOP! It is time to re-direct your life by refocusing.

 First you may need to engage in a little introspection. If you want to change your life and have relationships that are happy and enduring, you are going to do so by changing your thoughts.  Attention is everything. Where it goes, you go. Changing your thoughts means thinking about what you are thinking about! Catch yourself. Remember, what you are thinking is creating your reality. Therefore, you need to go to the root of what you are thinking and the energy you are sending out into the world.  What, for example, do you think of yourself?

 If we were told we were never good enough, useless, a waste of space, then we grow up believing that to be true. We then act out of that belief and draw to ourselves events, people and experiences that confirm our thoughts about ourselves. These are called pathogenic beliefs, meaning they are life destroying. The vital point is, change requires consciousness and consciousness requires us to examine our belief systems.  We must look at the patterns of our lives to be able to discern the beliefs that have created (and continue to create) our reality.

 Pathogenic beliefs that are left simmering under the surface of our consciousness eventually create havoc in our physical bodies. Disease and ill health are imbalances that come about through blockages. Beliefs create blockages.  We quarantine emotional and psychological pain in some body part – but always, the body is the last port of call.  Blockages first appear in our luminous body, or astral or emotional body. 

 Most of us are unconscious of the beliefs that are behind our real life dramas. Pathogenic beliefs are formed in childhood – although they are often evident in the birth chart, which means we came in with these patterns. Childhood events merely crystallize them, or become the prototypical events on which they are hung.  As we enter adulthood, relationships become the vehicle through which we revisit these pathogenic beliefs. Ultimately, the intent of meeting our painful memories (unconscious they may be) through our relationships, is positive. Oftentimes it is only when we meet our beliefs embodied in another person, that we see them for the first time. Our partners enact those split-off-and-relegated-to-the-shadow parts of ourselves that are running beneath the surface of our conscious minds. We cannot release them until we become acquainted with them.


The ‘shadow’, a term first coined by Carl Jung,  is that part of us which is unconscious and becomes the repository for aspects of our psyche which we have disowned. These could be painful experiences that as a young person we lacked the maturity to integrate at the time; or they can be characteristics which we do not accept or want to admit we possess. We assign them to the shadow – and then, inevitably, we wind up meeting them in the people which whom we form intimate relationships.  Remember, the intelligence that designed and runs the cosmos has an interest in you becoming whole (integrated). Healing your internal fractures and living more creatively and compassionately is becoming whole. We do this through ‘relating consciously’. In this state, we make conscious choices – rather than just act out our early recordings.

 “When I began seeing a therapist at age 19, he said, ‘Tell me about your mother and father.’ Well, that’s an original question from a therapist, I thought derisively. I learned that those relationships really do matter – not to blame but to understand, so that we are free to consider new choices.”   –Dean Ornish, Love & Survival, 138.

Becoming conscious of our beliefs then, is key to change. As we do, we are given the opportunity to become more intimate with ourselves – and then, with others.

 Some people are pathologically unacquainted with themselves. We all know these people. They do the blame thing quite happily – and for obvious reasons. As long as they are blaming others, their emotional energy is all used up. It saves them having to experience the angst of looking into themselves, at their part in things.  It’s always ‘out there’, the other person’s fault. It can be a very frightening thing to confront the shadow and these people are generally not very courageous.

 These are the types (not reading this blog – since they are not generally open to consciousness raising material), who suffer the most in life. They are victims of their own lack of awareness. You are not one of those people!

 So, while the past does not equal the future, it can be valuable and worthwhile to spiral back around to it, in order to raise yourself to the next level. Acknowledge to yourself that you – and your partner, or prospective partner – have many buttons from past pain, and they are just waiting to be pressed. Enter into the past in a spirit of exploration and curiosity, with the intent of becoming more aware of what really drives you. Give up playing and re-playing the victim role. It’s old energy.

 Focusing exclusively on what you did or didn’t do – or on what was done or not done to you, is only going to bring you more of the same. This is because we attract to ourselves exactly what we think about. Scary! But this is how our beliefs create our reality. We give attention to our ideas of what constitutes ‘reality’ and then get to live out those thoughts in the flesh.  If our beliefs are not life affirming, we can find ourselves playing a tragic role, as victim, abused or abuser – one that we have no idea we scripted ourselves!  Who needs that??


…(to be continued)….