Do you want a Conscious Relationship?Image

That is – a mature, loving, safe and emotionally bonded partnership, with someone who treats you with love and respect?

If you’ve had enough of the pain and heartbreak of relationship and want to understand what is going on with that! – then read on…

In 2005 I wrote a book about conscious relationships – it was published under the title “Heart Rules”…    I was then, as I am now, fascinated by the heart.  The name for the title came to me in flash, as I was thinking about how powerful the heart is – how it rules these lives of ours, in fact.  I was fascinated by love and relationships. I had been deeply hurt by them, and sought to understand my own journey through the challenges, pains and duplicitous pleasures of marriage and relationship. I felt I was very conscious through the process of living in, and separating from an abusive marriage. But I had still suffered. Writing Heart Rules was to be a catharsis – though I didn’t know it at the time. In telling the story of my own experience in my marriage and other relationships, my intention was to offer up any wisdom I had gleaned along the way, in the hope of helping others to more successfully navigate their own relationships.  We could all do with a little help in that regard, I figured. By that time, I had been learning about  metaphysics, spirituality, theosophy, energy and alternative healing, and comparative religions, for more 20 years.  And I had worked as a journalist  – I like words, so I felt I had something to bring to the table.  Writing Heart Rules, sharing my story – proved to be a powerful release. (It was a few other things as well, but I wont go them here).

Heart Rules was a finalist in the Ashton Wylie book awards for Mind/Body/Spirit publications here in New Zealand, the following year.  It is, unfortunately, no longer in publication (for various reasons).  (My subsequent book, ‘Sun Signs and Soul Mates,’ was also a finalist in the Ashton Wylie awards – it is still available).

Recently, I had the feeling it was timely, to revisit the book, so I have decided to bring it back to life, here on my blog. I listen to the relationship stories of my daughter, and other young women  – and witness the experiences of my three sons. My daughter is now the age I was when I was newly married, and about to embark on a journey – to depths I could never have imagined I would be compelled to descend. The words hell and back, spring to mind. If I can offer a little guidance to any of her generation – and in fact, my own generation (our love dramas have no age boundaries) through the sharing of my story , to help them avoid some of the pain I went through, then hey – what’s to lose?  I am privileged to be in a position to do so.  I’ve been there and back. And I’m happy to report, life after a toxic relationship is better than it ever was before.

Incidentally, a new app has recently been launched, which I wrote the copy for – on this vast subject of relationships.  Check it out!   It’s called Happy@love. I hope you find it helpful.

Recently, I had the good fortune to meet up with an incredibly astute young woman, Alaina Greenberg. Alaina is a Relationship Coach who believes the subject is so vast and subjective that she always has an eye out for others (like myself),  who share a similar message through alternative vehicles, to collaborate with.  Alaina’s preferred method of expanding love, consciousness and promoting personal growth is through the interpretation and activation of the underlying neurological processes that drive or block our progress.  Together, we plan to present an in-depth discussion, from both our perspectives, about the universally experienced phenomena known as relationship.

  Alaina is inviting a discussion on the points raised in Heart Rules on her blog:

Finally, the postings that follow are my words, as they were written in Heart Rules, but  possibly freshened up a little here and there as I deem appropriate.  Any questions or comments you may have, feel free to direct to me – and please visit Alaina and see what wise words she, and other contributors have to share….









“It is only with the Heart that one can see rightly,

What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

Antoine de St Exupery


The heart is more than a power generator for the body; it is a container for the soul. Mysterious and enigmatic, the language the heart speaks is not always easy to understand. It whispers, shouts, expands, contracts. The many moods of the heart are our constant companion and make up the emotional ride that is this life. The heart compels us to move toward others; then urges us to walk away. We know the loud pain of ‘heart break’, but seem less able to decipher the heart’s quieter voice.

The heart is where we feel life. More than that, the heart rules life.

If we are to understand life at all, the essentials of life, we need to listen to the heart. To live life largely, to love largely, we need open hearts. We must resist the slamming shut of the heart’s gates when life pain threatens us, sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do.  We must love generously, spiritedly, courageously, and consciously. This is the mission we are on. It is the essence of all spiritual teachings. And what is more, it is the only way we can survive and thrive in these physical bodies.  Without love, we become sick, we shrink, we harden and crystallise in body and soul. And when we leave this life, what do we leave behind? The mark of a life well lived is the love that stays in the hearts of others. It is the love we have generated and shared. A well lived life, is a well loved life.

It is the heart that rules, from the moment of our birth, to our last breath. It is a journey we are all on, to know love – in all its faces.

Our innermost selves may intuit that life is a long and convoluted mission to learn about love, but somehow the outer side, our personality, the aspect of us that acts in the real world, doesn’t always get it!  We have an expectation that love will be there for us, and it will be automatic and straight-forward, and all our needs will be met.  And then we meet real life.  In our pain and confustion, we become walking contradictions. We crave connections with others, while at the same time we clam up, slam the gates around out hears shut and stop ourselves from doing so – becoming our own worst enemies in the process.  We can justify our actions alright. Or at least our egos can. Our defences and projections, composed of past pain, are alive and well, and unless we are awake to them, we remain in their grip…..often for a lifetime. It is the scared voice of the ego that makes us withdraw when we could be reaching out. We close down our hearts and end up hurting, most of all, ourselves. We think love can’t be trusted and so we shut up shop.  We create pain for ourselves as we live half lives – which are what our lives become without the connections love makes. Our power is dammed as vast amounts of energy are absorbed in keeping the gates closed. We can feel very alone at such times, and life is more a struggle than a joy.

But we are not alone. Our separateness is an illusion. We are all in this together. In a heartbeat we can change our perceptions from feeling we are separate and apart, to knowing we are connected.  How? Through opening our hearts and minds to the flow of the force that is love.

Love is the destination as well as the journey. Only love can take us out of our self-imposed prisons and open us up to the beauty and richness that life on this planet has to offer. Only connection can take us out of ourselves and our feelings of aloneness. Connection, contact, open-heartedly merging with others are different ways of saying love.

Wasted, is all the time not spent in loving.


Route maps for this journey we are on are hard to find. How are we supposed to ‘know’ how to love? How do we find our way on this road that is anything but straight and narrow? It’s not our fault that we are fragmented from ‘stuff’ we’ve gone through, or somehow inherited. That stuff, or energy can take on a life of its own. We seem to have little control at times over the subconscious, that small universe within us, when it rises up and takes over our conscious intent. When we abort yet another potentially loving moment through the ill-timed expression of unconscious forces, we are left confused and then bereft. Why did we do that? Why weren’t we more in control of ourselves? What was THAT about? So often the intensity of our negative emotions is something we regret, but continue to enact.

It is always to our detriment, when we act unconsciously. And each time we do, we’re thrust back to that bleak and loveless space we know too well. We’re back in lonely land. Gone is the beauty, and the peace, of connection. We feel separate and adrift and that’s a scary place to be.

Or if we don’t ‘act out’ when we feel hurt, we may retreat. The ecstatic vibrations that contact creates are replaced by the heavy thud of a low vibration. This is the heavy energy feeling of a heart operating in survival mode. We have shut down the life force and slowly we suffocate in the airlessness created by our own limited beliefs and fears.

It is this contact, this connection with others that we want. It drives us forward on our life’s journey. Desire is a powerful fuel. Behind the drive for money, success and fame there is always a less showy, more humble, very human desire – the desire to be loved.  And love can sometimes drive us to the edge of reason. There is no force more powerful than the force of love. The attracting energy of love, which is a spiritual energy, is the same energy that holds the physical universe together. We are physical and spiritual creatures, and that energy permeates every aspect of our being. Its presence or absence impacts every level of our multi-dimensionality; from our emotional  and mental well-being to our physical health.

The seat of the love force within us is the heart, which has an (obvious) physical aspect, as well as a psycho-spiritual one. The heart is the meeting place of our bodies, minds and souls. Studies by the Heartmath Institute at the University of Colorado have been able to demonstrate that it is the heart that entrains the brain, and not the other way around. The brain takes its instructions from the heart! The heart rules in other words!

It’s all about frequency. Through frequency, the heart can communicate with every cell in our bodies. If we can expand our heart’s capacity for love, we can override the emotional addictions that, though we may not know it, are running our lives. Emotional addictions are those emotions that have created (one way or another) a ‘charge’ for us. Our brain pathways around these ‘memories’ become stronger each time we re-encounter, or evoke the original emotion. Peptides, carriers of emotion, flood through every cell of our bodies, altering our body chemistry and turning our feelings into somatic responses.

The way out of the painful dramas of endless pattern repetition we create for ourselves is through expansion of our consciousness. And consciousness, you may be surprised to hear, is not just a brain thing. It is also a heart thing. The is because first we feel, then we interpret. Consciousness, you could say then, is a heart-brain awareness. The voice of intuition is the voice of the heart; the voice of rational thinking, the brain.  Combined, they merge to become true consciousness. When I talk of consciousness in this book, I am meaning this merging of intelligence and intuition. It is a ‘holistic’ awareness and because we are intelligent, it is something we can learn to control and develop. We can learn to quiet our thoughts, largely the workings of the ego, to tame the mind, and listen to our hearts. We will then act in ways which will develop and strengthen our bonds with others.  We can become more consciously loving.

The rules of the heart we learn primarily through experience; through living life, and through feeling the pains and pleasures of being in a body. We gradually learn that life is a self-correcting process. For every error we make, we are  guided back to the path. The universe, for all its grandeur and mystery, is still intimately concerned with our well-being, our growth, our evolution as spiritual beings. This is a compassionate universe. How could it be otherwise, when the energy that runs it is the energy of love?

……………..(to be continued)…….